she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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