when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you inspire me to be a worse person
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize