my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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