I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
and she was petting her beer can
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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