i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Houston, we have a blender
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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