You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
