I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
