i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
