Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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