I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and you said cock pushups were impossible
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
