Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
