Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
