Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
