How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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