I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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