Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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