I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
