I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
