I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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