I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
