Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
