nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
