Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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