By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
