I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
