I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
