Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
