If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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