Are we in a gay sports bar?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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