How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
