she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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