Soap is not a condiment
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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