I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
