You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
