Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
