Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
