You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
