cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Boobs are out for the taking
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
