Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
