She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize