Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
