I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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