you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
