1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
