so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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