If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Randomize
