My balls are so social today.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
