You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
