sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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