I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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