Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
