I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
