You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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