can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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