i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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