i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Is it penis luge time yet?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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