Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Be still, my beating vagina.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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