My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
