I think I died a long time ago.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
