I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize