3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize