My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
