thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize